Throughout my life I have heard of the ‘7 Year Itch.’
It was always spoken of as a fact of marriage and in all relationships. My impression was that it meant that when you had been in a relationship for about 7 years, you had the Itch to Cheat on Your Spouse. That this was the Magic Number of years together when you realized that you had committed to the Same Genitalia For The Rest of Your Life and you rebelled. That is what was intimated to me.
That never sat well with me. I was nervous when that time approached in my relationship.
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Was I ever Wrong! (Thank goodness!)
At least as I now understand it ….
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Yes, the 7 Year Itch is a Real Thing in a Relationship.
Now, I can only speak to my own experience but having spoken with others, I believe this to be the real definition.
Hold on to your hats!
It is not about becoming bored with your spouse.
It is not about feeling that you have to explore other options – sexually or otherwise.
(On that note, do we all think that we all have so very many options with others that if we left our current relationship that miscellaneous hot people would be falling all over us? Really? Really, Really?)
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Yes, on-or-about 7 years into your Relationship, you have challenges. I really don’t know why that it happens at that time. But it is Real.
The first thing that you have to determine is that if you have Trust with your partner.
TRUST.
Seriously, if you do not trust your partner, do not read any further.
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I can’t speak for my Husband, but for me, after 7 years, we had moved to a comfort space. That is good and bad, both positive and negative.
Good/positive = we can be ourselves. We can trust and count on our spouse to be on our side for Everything. We can have an argument and know that, after it all calms down, we are still moving forward Together.
Bad/negative = we become comfortable in our house clothes, we know that our spouse is good with us no matter what. We become uninspired and forget the excitement of the relationship and why you were first together. We don’t put in the effort.
That’s not all.
Remember when we looked at our Spouse as a Wonderful Treat. Someone that you want to Excite, Entice and Engage?
Remember dressing up and putting on makeup, perfume (cologne, showering and shaving for my male readers).
What happens is that not only do you get into the comfort groove, but your spouse does too. What results from that is that you stop putting in the effort to show your appreciation for each other. You stop trying to accommodate and grow together.
You each revert back to the comfort zones you had before you met. Wearing the couch. Binging TV shows. Gaming . Whatever was your comfort zone was before you met. You socialize separately with the same people that you did before you met and do not try to blend your lives. The Blush is off the Rose and no one tries anymore.
Challenging.
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That, to me, is the 7 Year Itch.
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How do we come to the Positive on this? It is not insurmountable!
For us, it was the inability to communicate. Neither of us were able (at our advanced ages!) to express ourselves well – we just wanted to win the point and to keep the status quo.
We were set in our ways before we met (me, 41, and he, 47) ~ we liked our lives and who we were. We did accommodate when we first met but, as time went by, we slipped back into who we were as individuals.
We needed to be a couple and work together to go forward as such.
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We went to Therapy a few times. It was really useful.
We are both intelligent. We have both lived lives and evaluated who we are and, to be honest, neither of us felt that a third party would have anything to add.
But we both wanted to work out our challenges and if that is what it took, we were both in.
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Successful Relationships take work. Sometimes they need help. They are always worth it.
Kim and I are still not perfect but we are now on year 14 and going Strong.
We still argue, but when we do, we have new communication skills so that it does not escalate (not too often, anyway!) into anything more than a disagreement.
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We still know we have each other’s back. We still know that we will be moving forward together for our lives. We still know that there will be challenges. (We are really both challenging).
Love is worth it. Our lives together are worth it.
Take the chance. Get help when you need it. Growing and learning together creates a bond that gives you more than you could ever imagine.
It will never be perfect, but it can be interesting and rewarding!
Nicely identified! Sorry I don’t give feedback too often, but I’m lazy that way. Always like reading other writers. Often helps me jump-start an idea for my column. Just wanted you to know I do read & enjoy your work! 😊
Thanks, Mary … I haven’t had a spouse relationship before that has lasted this long – every day is a new adventure!
Loved reading this Linda. Well written. I think that is the key. To know you will move forward together. To not feel constantly unsure and insecure with someone. To work for that very goal. To develop the basic skills with or without the help of a third party listening to one or both of you. I would feel the same way. What can this third party really do for us. We know ourselves and we know each other. That person doesn’t really but sometimes the their knowledge and skills can help. We are never too old to learn something. We will celebrate our parents 71 anniversary on February 24th. They were never aware of a 7 year itch. They married and raised three kids. I was always told by them to make sure I had lots in common in the mate I chose as the glow would wear off but would also revisit periodically in the years to come and it sure has with them. It’s wonderful in spite of their disagreements to see how they kiss each other good morning everyday and Pops offers up a few extra kisses during the day in their ripe ages. At the dinner table they bring up various experiences they have had together over the many years. They both have a great sense of humour and in spite of dementia it comes out often with quick come backs and laughter. Being on the same page and knowing you want the same thing – to make it work and not quit when the going gets tough is the basic setting for a successful relationship. (my two cents) 🙂
So sorry for the delay in responding, Annemette … I so appreciate your feedback! I have been delinquent in posting new things. I actually have about 4 that I have written that need to be edited before posting. Life has been strange of late. Hope you are so excellent!